Plantation Lakes Acoustic Club - REVIEWS

FRIDAY 20th JULY 2007 - ROS CUTHBERT

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

My nephew Paul was in a very bad mood before Ros Cuthbert's gig. He fell asleep in the bath with dark blonde hair colorant on his head and beard. It was supposed to be on for 15 mins. He was asleep for half an hour. He woke up with hair the color of mud which made the spreading bald patch on the crown of his head more prominent. He also found the book he was reading 'God Is Not Great' by Chistopher Hitchens floating in the bath around the delicate area of his bubble covered crotch.

After standing on one of the cats, he went to get his shirt off the line as he was to perform guitar with Ros in the evening. The denim shirt was covered with seagull shit. He tried to lure one down with bread so he could slap its feathers. He discovered seagulls don't like brown bread covered in peanut butter! The day got worse as he tried to leave the car park to get to the gig. An old person's motorized wheelchair broke down while crossing the entrance. My nephew angrily yelled:

"Can you move that bloody thing. I have to get somewhere!"

"So do I, son", the man retorted. "I've got to get to the shop for my Oxtail soup and HP spicy sauce"!

"Have you got a license for that contraption"?

"Yes! Two legs that don't work, you mean bastard. Do you want me to be immobile"?

"Isn't that what you are at the moment"?

Eventually Paul got to the gig. There was strong support from Pauline and Stuart. They performed some covers and a few songs by Pauline who is writing some excellent material. Their voices compliment each other. Stuart has a great country feel to his soloing.

The other support, David ET Brandon, played a great set. He is a wonderful player with some very original ideas. He is solid on Latin rhythms. He keeps a continual bass line going while creating rhythmic textures on top!

The guest Ros Cuthbert played a fantastic set. She was accompanied on three tunes ( 'Brought To My Senses', 'Waters Of March', and 'Two Sides Of Lucky'), by my wonderfully talented nephew, Paul. Ros has written some excellent songs with lots of interesting ideas. She has a good Jazz vocal with solid phrasing. Check out her CD 'Two Sides Of Lucky. She is backed by The Alex Steele Trio - a fine bunch of players.

A great night!

Later, Paul went home to wash his hair. I went home and had my usual dry sherry, then went to bed with Cedric Smirthweight. I love a man who doesn't snore. It seems that the only men who don't snore are in comas!

FRIDAY 8th JUNE 2007 - JAMES SLATER & KEVIN BROWN

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

Hello Humanity! I've started off a new belief system. We are called the 'Athnostics'. It's a mixture of Atheism and Agnosticism. We don't believe in any man-made religion - which means all religion. But we are keeping our options open, in case we are the play things of higher entities. Mr Smirthweight from the Old Peoples Home has joined. He's in a coma, but I'm sure his eyelids moved when I asked him! So I took that to be a yes. I spent all of last night writing down the rules. Ran out of parchment, so I wrote the rest on my steel corset. The text will be safer than Moses' Tablets! Here are a few of the Rules:

• Leave the beasts of the field alone. And don't argue about the Off-Side rule with them!
  
  
• Don't circumcise children as they do in the Jewish faith - it's child abuse! Just because it happens in an institutionalized Religion doesn't make it right. Wait until the child is eighteen, then ask if you can cut the flesh off his penis!
  
  
• Don't sexually molest children because you get turned on by control then go to confession and be forgiven - as many Catholic priests have been by the multinational business of the Catholic Church!
  
  
• Don't kill in the name of your God, because you want me to be in your gang!
  
  
• Respect one another! Love One another! Talk to one another! Use rational thought! Say goodbye to the ancient texts. They belong in the dust of old histories.

It was at this point that the nib of my fountain pen slipped off my corset into my leg. I couldn't tell if the mark left was a pen mark or one of my many big blue veins.

There is a big super-market of religions, false prophets, and belief systems out there. Buy into mine. It's beside the sausage rolls on the left.

James Slater played some lovely songs, punctuated by solid guitar playing. His voice made me throb like a live frog skewed on a Frenchman's fork. He has a rich voice and a good stage presence. He communicated well with the audience. I tried to catch his eye. We found it later bobbing around in a pint of beer. James is a respected player in these parts. His professionalism shone through!

As always, Kevin Brown was great. His slide playing was impeccable. Solid intonation. He has a voice tinged with bluesy sexiness. It's a pity I don't fancy him! I'm afraid I like them very old and disabled - makes me feel superior. His new CD is very good. Check out his website. I'm off to a Satanist Rally. They're protesting about the bad behavior of the Religions of this world. Keep playing the music out there. It will save the world!

FRIDAY 11th MAY 2007 - QUICKSILVER

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

My poor nephew Paul was so insulted when he took Quicksilver back to stay with him and Lizzie. He rang me up in a rage. 

"I have to talk to you Auntie Ethel", he said! I want to smack someone very hard, but I don't want to return to the raging boy I was who cracked heads on the cobbled back-lanes of Newcastle and Gateshead. These days, I'm supposed to be a soulful person - a musician. I haven't felt so much rage since the bin man told me to fuck off for putting out too many bags!"

"What 's Quicksilver done to you, sweet nephew"?

"Hilary's husband - you know - the dog's-body - the one who does the driving and humping. When I say humping, I mean carrying things, not humping H. That's too personal!"

"What about him, dear boy? Remember, you must always try and keep your temper!"

"Quicksilver asked me to get my guitar out. For some reason, certain guests assume that because you run a club, you're a frustrated musician who can't play very well. They also assume that you want to play with them. It's like some kind of fucking test! You give them a gig, even though you may not be into what they do. You pay them, give them a bed, and food. You show respect - even though, again, you may not be into what they do!

I reluctantly got my guitar out. As I went to get it, I heard H husband say - "We've have to make them feel special, don't we". A roadie said that about me! I shut his mouth with 6000 fucking notes in rapid succession".

"Dear nephew, I'm going to come down and rap my zimmer frame around his neck!"

"Please don't, auntie Ethel. I feel better, now that I have spoken to you. Hilary and Grant are okay. They just need to train the help a little more!"

The things my poor nephew has to put up with. All he is trying to do is bring a little culture to Clevedon and improve the lives of the yokels. One thing myself and nephew are not, is rude!

Nice singing. Nice guitar playing. They perform together well. How's that for a Quicksilver review!

27th APRIL 2007 - STUART RYAN

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

Hello all you young people out there. It's been a bit of a funny week. My boyfriend hurt himself after we had sex. He fell down the stairs trying to find the toilet. I tried to give him his white stick, but he wouldn't have it; probably had his hearing aid turned off!Anyway, he seems to be alright. He's very fit for a ninety year old, especially when he puts on his leg. We go through KY quicker than Madonna can write another amazing hit!

What a very good guitar player Stuart Ryan is. Some Eric Roche - Some Martin Taylor - Some walking bass - Some African - Some Phrygian Mode from the hot cobbles of spain - Some Tony McManus. It was like one big guitar lesson. The students loved it!

FRIDAY 23rd MARCH - CLIVE CARROLL

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

I forget who said that Sleep was Death's younger brother. Whoever it was - I disagree with them! Sleep had to have come first, - so Death is Sleep's younger brother. The first person must have slept before they died, because if they died before they slept, Sleep wouldn't have existed! I'm just a wrinkly, old philosopher in an iron corset! What the hell is the old bat talking about I hear you say! Well - these are the things I think about when I get those cold-calls.

These calls used to get me angry until my nephew Paul told me what to do. "Don't get angry," he said - "They're just little Indians (not the ones with feathers) sitting at rows of desks trying to sell stuff for big companies. They only earn a couple of pence an hour. All you do Auntie Ethel, when they ask if you're in - just tell them that you will go and get her, and leave the phone off the hook. It costs the company lots of money before they realize that Auntie Ethel ain't coming! The other day, I sang half of Abbey Road before they hung up on me. The company paid to hear me perform. What a warm glow it gave me. I've performed in India - so to speak!" My Nephew is a Genius!

And so is Clive Carroll, but for very different reasons. He has come up in the world. Playing with Madonna. She's amazing - has a different guitar for every chord she knows. She must have at least six guitars -Wow!

I can imagine Clive saying "Look Madonna, you should have played Like A Virgin (in your dreams) like this!" then bursting into an incredible finger-style version. I wonder how Madonna would have answered that - "Fuck Me! I would never have made any money if I played like you!" That woman has class, and she has the pointy-tipped iron bra to prove it! I particularly liked the intimate moment in the documentary In Bed With Madonna, when she sprawled over her Mother's grave weeping. I felt so special to be included in her subtle mourning! - Pure Class!

As always, Clive did a fantastic gig! He played tracks off his first two CDs. The Kid From Clare/The Dance of Dolan's, and Humours of Tulla, were played beautifully! The John Dowland stuff just turns me on man. I love that 15 Century Stuff. I remember way back then, helping my Uncle splash mortar onto a Perpendicular Church that our toothless, grimy villagers were building.

Paul and Clive played together again. On the fast stuff, my nephew wheezed after Clive like a eighty two year old legless runner with TB!

When they went back to Paul's place, Clive played him a recording of the first track off the new CD he's working on - what a git - rub it in why don't you, CLIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FRIDAY 25th FEBRUARY - JOHN RENBOURN

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

Paul was not in a good mood when he turned up for the John Renbourn Concert. He had been stuck on the Motor-way coming up from Cornwall with Lizzie. He was at the fag-end of a virus, and just a little pissed off with humanity, that massive carrier of germs. Paul and Lizzie stopped off at Tesco to get some water. He parked in a disabled space while Lizzie skipped in to get the water and cough sweets. A man knocked on the window of his car. Paul wound it down. "Are you disabled?" the man said.
"Yes!" "I don't see a sticker"
"It was stolen by a blind guy on a motor bike."
"I don't think that's very funny! - So what is your disability?"
"I've got a headache! Does that count, twat?"
"That's not very nice."
"I've also got Turret's syndrome, twat-face. Does that count?"
"I suppose you're going to go through the whole medical dictionary?"
"If I have too!"

I told my nephew off later for being rude to a disabled person. He said they have just as much right to be verbally abused as anyone else, and that he would fight to the death for this right! Can't argue with that! The man limped away. That's what I like about my nephew, Paul - perseverance! He wouldn't have got where he is today without that! - teaching those hungry rug-rats Saturday Holocaust by The Dead Kennedys at 8.20 am on a Monday morning! What a life! The day could only get better - and it did!

John Renbourn played a great set. The man just keeps going. As always, he had a wonderful touch. I tried to touch him but I was too old for him. My favorites of the evening was his old rendition of Round Midnight and Goodbye Porkpie Hat. It took me back to my youth when I cruised those grimy old shipyards in Newcastle looking for customers - are should I say converts to the Faith!

John played some lovely Celtic pieces, and Ragtimey, Bluesy tinged romps. My buttocks twitched with every note vibrating from those ancient, shamanic fingers. What a man. He played Lady Nothing for one of his encores. He laughed off a couple of mistakes. Poor dear hadn't played it for years. I asked him why he performed it. "Someone asked for it", he said. What a pro!

As always - Superb! xxxxxxx

FRIDAY 26th JANUARY  2007 - JOHNNY DICKINSON

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

I've met some fine Muslims in my time. Yes I know I digress in the very first sentence of my review, but things need to be said! A majority of Muslims are peace-loving and caring people, but Fundamentalists can be found in most religions. They're like the loud-mouthed twat in the acoustic club. The one that ruins the music.

I know you Muslim Fundamentalists don't like our young girls going out in mini-skirts. You don't like us drinking. You don't like us smoking. You don't like us having sex, etc, etc, etc, but PLEASE don't kill us for it! Learn to love all. It's a wonderful thing!

We've got a real old git who has just moved into the old people's home. I hate him! He keeps telling the women that he loves the smell of their hair. You may ask what is wrong with that? I'll tell you - he's a bloody midget! On my next shopping trip I'm going to go to a charity shop and get him a pair of Gary Glitter platform boots so I can hit the little bugger. I have nothing against midgets, apart from Gary Glitter of course. The guy bought more sweets than Willy Wonka. His teeth must be rotten!

What a fantastic concert Johnny Dickinson gave us. Paul started off the evening with some instrumentals. The sound was shit! Let's move quickly on!

Johnny is an amazing slide player, with a fine touch and an unusual slant on the style. He has begun to slide in normal tuning on a few tunes, and told Paul that he wants to do more of this. His voice is wonderful - made my corset melt. The hot metal was burning my emasculated stomach and buttocks - not a nice thought for those young sixty year olds out there, I know, but you eighty year olds can fantasize away! Johnny's voice is a mix between Paul Rogers and Eric Clapton, and a much better guitarist than both!

Johnny's latest Record - Hilo Town is really good. He told Paul over a few beers that this is the direction he wants to go in. There are some very good ideas on this record, such as a Scotish tune played in a forties swing style. There are some subtle little horn sections and fantastic chromatic harmonica playing on this record too. Wonderful!

See you all at the next one - that is if I havn't departed from this tragic blue ball spinning through the cosmos!

OCTOBER 27th 2006 - THREE YOUNG GUITARISTS - JAMES ROBERTSON, ANDY JONES, AND KIT HAWES

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

What lovely young fellows. And fine guitar players too, my nephew Paul, tells me. In my long 87 years of traveling around Clevedon, I've seen most of the worlds great players. These boys certainly have it. They have great careers ahead of them, bringing joy to the plebs in dead-end towns.

I only hope that they don't get destroyed by booze and those evil ladies of the night! That's what happened to my nephew Paul, before he was saved by a Cliff Richards song. He doesn't like to talk about that, though. Let's just say that at a vulnerable moment, Paul began to buy loud shirts, and white tennis shoes.

James Robertson played a very good set. His compositions were self-penned. He played a fine tune, dedicated to Preston Reed, with lots of interesting percussive tapping on the body of the instrument. He is also a fine magician. He did some superb card tricks. Much better than the amazing Tommy Cooper.

Andy Jones played some Celtic and Classical pieces. He was very comfortable with the audience. His version of Cavatina from the Deer Hunter had me in tears. I could see the bullet in slow motion going through Christopher Walkin's head. A truly wonderful moment!

Kit Hawes played a super set. He is becoming a fine rounded player for one so young. He has a solid, swing accompaniment technique, and his soloing is inventive and controlled. I loved his voice. It made me want to get my grubby old hands on him.

Well done, young fellows. One dark night, you may see me in the wings.

FRIDAY 13th OCTOBER 2006 - LES BARKER

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

When Les turned up for the Gig, I thought he was a tramp who had stumbled in out of the cold. I gave him a hot drink, and even offered to knit him a new cardigan as his was quite disheveled, poor man!

I thought "What a genius this tramp is. I must introduce him to Les. He knows so much about poetry and philosophy." He took his cardigan off, then replaced it with a cardigan that would not look out of place on the floor of a dog kennel covered in shite.

The obserdity hit my corset like a thunderbolt. This was Les in character mooching across our stage like an old sage. He is a life -enhancing Guru in both cardigans!

What can I say. The man is a bloody genius! Buy his poetry - and CD's of his performances. They will definately enrich your life! My great, old uncle Cid was once disabled - he still is, but boy, can he bloody laugh about it!

22nd SEPTEMBER 2006 - NOELIE McDONNELL

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

Hello you beautiful young people under 75. That wonderful Cosmologist Carl Sagan said "We live on a hunk of rock and metal that orbits a humdrum star in the obscure outskirts of an ordinary galaxy comprised of 400 billion stars in a universe of some hundred billion galaxies...How insignificant we are in the vast scale of space." Well Carl should have been at the club last Friday! Oh I forget - he's dead - insignificant stardust on the bottom of my slippers.

What a day I've had. A Muslim woman was walking up and down our street doing a survey about whether she should have the right to wear her veil in school. I must admit that I was in a bad mood. Had a horrible headache caused by wretched screaming assholes, so I turned the X Factor off! When I went to my front door, I saw the black shape of the Muslim Lady with her clip board. I squinted out of the letter box and said "How do you like it!" I felt guilty, so I invited her in for a cup of tea. I wanted to ask her a couple of questions like - how does she drink her tea, and how can she tell who's who in the family holiday photos. She was really nice. I may get one of those veils myself. It's the only way I could be mistaking for Julia Roberts, though the age hump on my back is a bit of a give away!

What a lovely young man Noelie was. His soft Irish lilt got me thinking of John Wayne in "The Quiet Man". A movie consisting of two hours of leprecorn bashing by the big Duke with his big shelalee. I think Maureen O'hara recieved some of that too! I asked Noelie if he fancied getting out his whistle. Said he didn't have it with him. I didn't know that they were detachable in Ireland. Then I realized that he meant one of those penny whistles. I've blown a few in my time. Cultural differences are strange, aren't they. In England, Sootie is a glove puppet manipulated by a man who can't speak; in some parts of India it means throwing the wife on a bonfire.

Noelie is a very gentle introverted singer. His rapure with the audience was excellent. His songs were about relationships and childhood memories of sailing in boats with his brother on the waters of that gentle country across the sea. Being Irish is a big plus these days - and why not! It's a fantastic place with a dark, Romantic history. At one time the Irish used to get arrested when they entered this country. Now, they just have to fart to get a record contract and be shoved on stage. The audience enjoyed Noelie's set, and so did this old woman. I melted at the sound of that smokey guiness-black voice. I could have done with a little more variation in tempo and mood; even a little more guitar playing, but what do I know! The audience loved it! Come back again, Noelie!

FRIDAY 1st SEPTEMBER 2006 - DR ROBERT

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

I'm so old that they have discontinued my blood type! I've been collecting years of wisdom since time began. Oscar Wilde said "The Seasons send their ruin as they go!" But he also said "For he who lives more lives than one; more deaths than one must die." So don't despair out there. The world and beyond is a puzzle - A kick-arse Rubric Cube. Religions by themselves are meaningless. We see the destruction every day. We need to find the heart of each religion, and put them all together to make one big heart. Everything needs to be run by Grandmothers. I hear you all ask why? I'll tell you why - Because we're fucking nice, that's why! I'm so sorry about the bad language, but I feel very strongly about this. Grannies don't go out killing people who come from a different ethnic group, or follow a different religion. One cannot die from a slight over indulgence of tea and cream cakes served to you by an old woman in a flowery apron! Varicose veined legs are our war wounds. Caused through years and years of doing a boring fucking slipper-dance from kitchen to table across a horrible floral carpet to feed yelping rug-rats.

Anyway! This is just one life. In my last life I was Mussolini's father. In this life, I'm an old woman who spends her time playing dominos with a bunch of other old farts. So make sure that you build up some good Karma in this life!

Kids often ask me about the art of Song-Craft. Should they be writing songs they say. I always give them the benefit of my experience - NO! PLEASE DON'T! I'm sick of hearing songs about the aches and pains of love and frigging lust! Keep it to yourselves. Keep your pimples, spots and excretions indoors. It's all been done by more talented people. Steal their songs and try to do them well! DR ROBERT are a great example of this!

I have written this a week before DR ROBERT play, as I have to lance a boil on Friday- but I'm sure they will be brilliant as always. Nobody does "Fields of Gold " better - apart from Sting, of course. The boys are pure sexual chocolate - It' a shame it's milk chocolate!

FRIDAY 14th JULY 2006 - THE WILLBEES

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

The Willbees sang my kind of song
Not too short
Not too long
They made my corset steaming hot
A feeling I had long forgot
The "Blue Ridge Mountains" got me swinging
But I stopped last year cause the old guys were minging
I prefer the Willbees any day
My thighs start twitching when they play
Their close harmonies and gentle style
Make Heavy Metal freaks run a mile
The Willbees can sedate you with a song
It's better than dragging on my filthy bong
It's brilliant when they include participation
I jived to give my old arse recreation
I hope we get them back again
Those nice, talented, gorgeous old men

It's a shame their wives were with them!

FRIDAY 30th JUNE 2006 – THE THUNDERBRIDGE BLUEGRASS BOYS

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

INTERVIEWER: Auntie Ethel. You've been reviewing gigs for 76 years. That's a long time. Do you ever get jaded?

ETHEL: It's actually 76 years and two months. And no, I don't get jaded - I'm a professional! I tell a lie. I got jaded by Richie Haven's at Woodstock. He was bashing his guitar like a Northerner beats his wife.

INTERVIEWER: Before we review the Thunderbridge Bluegrass boys, I'd like to talk a little about you. What makes you angry?

ETHEL: I was watching a documentary the other day on flashers. I have to tell you it upset me!

INTERVIEWER: Why?

ETHEL: It happened to me in 1997. It was outrages the way I was treated! I was fined £50, and bound over for two years probation. I only did it for a bit of fun, but the man I did it to had a nervous breakdown. He keeps running up and down his Ward saying that he's being chased by Satan's wrinkly soul. They stopped me from visiting him. You'd think that he'd find it in his heart to forgive me; after all, he was the local Vicar!

INTERVIEWER: Are you religious?

ETHEL: I was born a Catholic. When I was a teenager, I did my Nine Fridays, which was a kind of short cut to Heaven. Did too much fasting; saw a vision of the Virgin Mary. To put it crudely - it scared the shit out of me. I became an agnostic.

INTERVIEWER: What do you do apart from reviewing gigs?

ETHEL: I work at the Old People's Home. I try to help them fulfill their full potential.

INTERVIEWER: In what way?

ETHEL: We've got one old fellow called Tom. He's always getting picked on by the others. He's 95 years old, and has been picked on all his life. His parents and brothers used to dunk him in a tin bath full of cold water, then beat him with birch twigs.

INTERVIEWER: It must have hurt?

ETHEL: It did, but he was grateful for being included in the game. The other day he was beaten up. Ten rampaging pensioners were bashing him with their walking sticks. My stick broke, so I gave up and went home.

INTERVIEWER: What did you think about The Thunderbridge Bluegrass Boys?

ETHEL: They were fantastic! It was very strange. Four nice young men turned up. They disappeared into a room, then came out clad in denim overalls, smelly checked shirts and funny hats. They belted through a lot of classic Bluegrass tunes. I was going to bring cousin George. Has a few cogs and bolts missing, if you get what I mean. We sometimes let him out of the cellar, but he didn't get his banjo tuned in time.

INTERVIEWER: What did you think of Nick Girone Maddocks on Mandolin, Guitar, and vocals.?

ETHEL: They all sang well. Their harmony singing was superb. Nick's Mandolin playing was crisp, and tight - just how I like it!

INTERVIEWER: Brian Schofield on Banjo?

ETHEL: Very tight. His rolls didn't wander. He was right on the beat, which is strange, as his American brother, John Schofield plays so far behind the beat. Wonderful Jazz fusion player.

INTERVIEWER: What about his other brother?

ETHEL: Wonderful Dobro playing by Martin Schofield. It is great to hear it played in tune. I left my hearing aid turned on for him.

INTERVIEWER: Jules Bushell?

ETHEL: He is the Doc Holiday of the band. Good-looking drawn skeletal face. Looks like he's had TB; drank moonshine, and stroked the harlot - my kind of man. I like a man that looks lived in - and I like to be lived in so bring that little goatee over here boy.

INTERVIEWER: I'm actually interested in what you think of his bass playing?

ETHEL: Tight rhythm; solid and on the beat, and he can beat.....

INTERVIEWER Thank you Auntie Ethel!

THURSDAY 18th MAY 2006 – LEON HUNT'S HOOTENANNY THREE, WITH SPECIAL GUEST, DAVID GRIER

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

Hello. Auntie Ethel here again. What a band. They really cheered me up, as I was quite down before the concert. I had to lay out poor old Cedric at the Old Peoples’ Home. I don't often hit people, but he was misbehaving himself. Nobody likes a custard thrower! Sometimes he makes me want to break wind on humanity!

This band were stunning. Leon's banjo playing was rhythmically solid. His nimble fingers played forward and backward rolls like nobodies business. He can twang the strings on my corset any day of the week! Dom Harrison gave solid backing on the upright bass. I love a man who can give some solid bottom end. His guitar playing was tight as ten fat ladies in a telephone booth. He can chug a long without breaking a sweat - my kind of Bluegrass Boy. You can keep your old hillbillies!

Henry Sears' fiddle playing was beautiful. His intonation and tone doesn't falter at fast tempos. The true mark of a good fiddle player. Some players at fast tempos sound like uncle Fester scratching his sun-dried scrotum. Not Henry! He's got bottom - end, top - end, and a middle in between! The Hootenanny Three are a fantastic trio.

What can I say about David Grier? For a start - He looks like the man who nearly got eaten by the shark in Jaws - Richard Drayfus (I think that's how you spell it!). Come to think of it - he played the guitar naked in The Goodbye Girl? David has been playing the guitar since he was six. This kind of worries me. When I turn on my TV, I keep expecting to see a foetus with shades on sitting at a piano on some cheesy talent show singing Ray Charles; a rubbery rainbow placenta doing the backing vocals. Every one is raving about this fifteen year old Blues singer that's doing the rounds at the moment. What the hell is he going to sing about - failing his last GCSE! It makes my steel reinforced bra twitch like Lightenin' Hopkins big gnarled thumb banging off the heaviest gauge bass string!

David Grier is a stunning flat-picker! His recording 'I've Got the House to Myself" is quite remarkable. He has taken flat-picking to the highest level I have ever heard. He bursts with unfettered explosive invention! The tradition and style is there, but he has dragged it screaming into the twenty first century. His improvisations are endlessly inventive. If you love guitar, you must get this CD. He is also on Leon's CD 'Miles Apart' . This features some fine tunes, and beautiful effortless ensemble playing. Even my cousin Martha loved this concert, and she's deaf. Her hearing aid was on number 11!

THURSDAY 27th APRIL 2006 - DAMIAN POPE & FRIENDS

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

Watching Damian perform with his friends Mike Bullock and Tim Sweet was almost a religious experience. I felt like throwing my knitted skirt at him when he sang 'Shape of my Heart ' by Sting. I felt rumblings in my Jurassic nether regions as his sexy voice creamed over me like a smooth cappuccino. It was such a relief to hear Damian and his friends, as I'd spent such a boring day with Edith and her rich nephew and family. They're Christians. The kind that hold back farts in Church and House. Edith's nephew is a very nice man; you know the kind - School to University - Mummy's breast to Wife's Breast. Buckets full of money to travel the world without really seeing it! Sweet intelligent kids taking gap years to help the poor through some charitable religious organization. I wonder who is helping who, I ask you!

The food was nice. The wine was superb. What taste they have. TV in every room -all of the latest gadgets. And the paintings! They were just abstract enough to make the buyer look knowledgeable and cool (I love that word-cool). Later, we discussed the Satanic messages Buffy the Vampire and even the old Ghost Busters were sending to children. It brought back memories of what scared me as a child - that poor man getting nails bashed into his hands and feet, and a spear poked into his side by bestial men in skirts - very creepy! Give me Buffy any day! But I'm just an old woman - what do I know? Maybe a few things - let me tell you young people out there. CHRISTIAN is a big word, and it's a big thing to live up to. It's a beautiful thing, but I have always been disappointed by those who have the nerve to say that they are Christians. In my long years of experience, I have met many different kinds of Christians. –

1. The Accidental Christian - a person that was swept up at a vulnerable moment in their life - and don't they just want to spread the word.
2. The Comfortable Christian - Usually opinionated businessman type. Grapples with the big questions. Finds C S Lewis a lot of help. After all, if an intellectual like him can believe - there's got to be something in it! The Comfortable Christian will squeak the odd swear word to look human on occasions which can give him a sense of relief, but he's usually dominated by an intelligent, plump wife who provides the true backbone in the relationship. This gives him time to mix with the great and the good.
3. The Permanent Christian - they have no chance. Heavily indoctrinated from birth. To turn away is a big fall. A spinning world without on operator is too unbearable to contemplate.
4. The True Christian - never met one!

I believe that we have to experience some badness to know what true goodness means. And boy, have I been bad, or should I say human?The discussion ended with the influence of Gothic Music on the young. Well I have to say that I think Marilyn Manson is fantastic. I love his gold teeth and messy makeup. I show his picture to the crazy old people in the Old People's Home. When they see him, they don't feel as bad in their moments of lucidity when they see themselves covered in compact powder and heavy red lipstick.

Talking about compact powder and heavy red lipstick - Damian, Mike and Tim were fantastic. They did some amazing Beatle covers with super three part harmonies and subtle guitar work. Tim's bass playing was very subtle. My nephew Paul, was really hoping that Damian would make some mistakes. He even sank so low as to make faces as Damian was singing 'Fields of Gold'. But Damian wasn't having it! He was as stoic as ever. The young man always reminds me of an unfit Bruce Willis, but with slightly more hair - and I do mean slightly!

Mike's 12 string playing was excellent, and his rich voice had us ladies sticking to our seats. Some men of the different persuasion were sticking to theirs when Mike did a beautiful rendition of George Michael's 'Different Corners' - and he has certainly been in a few corners.

This Trio were fantastic, and the audience loved it. They have got to do a return visit, or my iron corsets will be paying a flying visit to my nephew's mud coloured head!

And remember people - you've got to be bad to be good!

THURSDAY 16th MARCH 2006 - PRESTON REED

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

I was a few minutes late arriving at PLANTATION LAKES. PRESTON REED was already on stage, wielding his axe like a raging Thor; his long blonde, wavy hair, hanging like the main of a wild stallion. My Tesco bag fell out of my hand, almost breaking my bottles of rum, gin, cheap blended whisky, and twelve cans of Special Brew larger, which I use for medicinal purposes.

I had a good excuse for being late. I was visiting old friends (and I really mean old) at the old peoples home on the sea front. I usually take my piano music so we can all have a sing-song! "We'll Meet Again" is one of their favorites. What I like about us old people is that we're very tolerant. We may complain about young people dropping sweet papers in the street, or the loud banging of car doors, but we didn't even flinch when old Sid did a number two in his wrinkled flannel trousers , right in the middle of the chorus section of "When I'm Cleaning Windows" by George Formby! The stench was a little too much, but we soldiered on like the veterans we are.

I often worry about the young. What are they going to sing around the piano when they are in old peoples homes? I can't see songs by "Rage Against The Machine" or "Cradle Of Filth" working. I really don't think "I'm going to kill your Sister and your Mother, your fucking father and your Brother, and every fucking other" has the same ring as the "White Cliffs Of Dover". What the young need is a good war. I know that there are a couple of hundred wars raging in the world at the moment. We should try and join them together, and have one BIG one. Men seem to really enjoy heavy sports like killing! Maybe a big war will get us all listening to good music again? Singing in unison, like the old days!

Talking about good music - PRESTON REED was amazing! My nephew Paul really liked him as a musician, as well as a person. I found this strange, as Paul has never made friends with anyone who is taller than him, or has thicker hair, and Preston has lots of height and hair! They had a great time at the Blue Flame pub drinking into the small hours and talking music. Preston's loud laugh scared some of the locals who went scurrying off in their tractors. The next morning Paul sat in the kitchen with a dry mouth, and headache; even his hair hurt, while Preston was up early, doing his workout and practice - topping it off with a long walk, and even bumping into Paul's wife Lizzie, and helping her back with some shopping, which was very heavy (all that beer). Paul felt like a tousled-feathered Robin to Preston's Batman!

Preston is the ultimate professional and consummate performer. He quickly adapts to whatever one of his seven guitars, and various techniques he choses to play. Six string and twelve string acoustic; nylon, electric, slide, finger-style, two-handed tapping, harmonic slaps, percussive bursts on various parts of the guitar body. Paul tells me that this constant change of style and technique is very difficult to do. Preston flawlessly moves from one to the other. I was so breathless with excitement. It reminded me of.......We'd better not go into that!

Preston Reed seems to be a bottomless pit of musical and technical ideas. Amazing examples of his musical diversity can be found on four fantastic CDs. LADIES NIGHT; METAL; HANDWRITTEN NOTES; HISTORY OF NOW. Without doubt, Preston Reed belongs in the canon of Guitar Greats. In the future, I'm sure he will keep surprising us with compositions that are as sensitive as OVERTURE FOR (LILY), and as innovative as BLASTING CAP, SLAP FUNK, NIGHT RIDE, - the list will go on! A brilliant concert!

9th MARCH 2006 - AN OPEN MIC NIGHT

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

I had a job to do - review an Open Mic Night! I chose tonight as there was nothing on TV. I tried to read ANYTHING, to get out of reviewing an Open Mic Night. You know me; I have to be honest. I come from that generation. So I have not dated the review, or mentioned names. I read three books to try and get my mind off going - "War and Peace", "The Cider House Rules", and "The Bible". Took me fifteen minutes. I love the way editors put the story on the back cover. It stops my aging eyes from getting sore. Sometimes the searing light and jumbled words bang so hard off my Rods and Cones! You should see my library, though, it's massive!

It was 7.30 p.m.! I was still trying to decide whether I should go, or stay in and watch "Autopsy Live" on Channel 4. Those people look dead to me - a bit of a con I think. "Autopsy Live" indeed! I often enjoy dipping a chocolate hobnob into my luke-warm coco while watching "Autopsy Live". If I ever appear on that show, I'll eat something different and surprise them! In the end, I decided to do my duty, and go to the club. After all, Paul, Lizzie, Pauline, David and Joe pay me for doing it. I get £2 for every review. This pays for my weekly groceries of oxtail soup and spam.

A very nice young couple turned up with penny whistles. They were musically intrepid and told me that they had been married for 50 years. They had a whistle each and played in unison. One was a little sharp, but I'm sure this was intentional. It gave an Indian quarter-tone feel to the Old English Folk Song they were playing. Brilliance indeed! I can see a market. We must get David to record them! A mum came in with her eighteen year old son, and seventeen year old daughter. Did they really need their mum with them? At thirteen, Paul was rolling up the Evening Chronicle into little paper sticks to help light the little coal for his schizophrenic mother (just like Sting did, I'm told). The Mum said her children had written over 300 songs. My God! Schubert wrote 600! She asked if her children could play more than two. Paul said that if Bob Dylan came through the door, he'd only be allowed to play two songs. EVERYBODY GETS TWO! I love a forceful man! The mum did what she usually does. She left with her children after they had performed. There is an unwritten rule in the Open Mic World. "Do not inflict pain without generously receiving it back".

Sometimes performers make sly, sarcastic comments when they are on stage, especially when they are told to keep the dialogue short between songs. I can hear Paul whisper "Put it in a fucking song - NEXT". Oh! the language he comes out with. At one point, I had to tell a disgruntled banjo player to shut the hell up and keep quiet. Paul had words with me, as the man was on stage at the time. I just couldn't take it! After a sherry, I was back to my old self, and apologized to the banjo player while wiping the dribble from the corners of his mouth with some toilet tissue.

The night was varied. Guitars; penny whistles; mouth-organs; banjos, etc. It was nice to see people getting their instruments out of the attic after years of collecting dust. Good on yeah! I may dig uncle Arthur's old piccolo out, but I think you have to have permission to exhume bodies. I assume that the piccolo is with him, as aunt Edith said she was going to put the piccolo where the sun don't shine, and it certainly doesn't shine where Uncle Arthur is. On the Open Mic night we see humanity in all of its glory and dishevelment. Some people are good; some people are idiots; some people are very ill indeed; some people are silly; some people are talented, and the odd one is a genius. I just can't help myself. I love them all. Probably because they are trying to make music, and not going out to kill and maim! I really hope they didn't mind me leaving a little early. I had to get back and catch the half-ton man on Channel Five. Even a talent for eating is a talent!

See you all, you little hopefuls!

THURSDAY 2nd FEBRUARY 2006 - KIT MORGAN & STEVE TREBLE

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

Well I never! What a night! It cheered me up no end! For the last few days, I've been a bit down in the dumps. I finished with my boyfriend. Well I had to really; he died. He had a good innings. He was 87. Cedric was an up to the minute kind of guy. Well actually, he did everything in a minute, but we won't go into that! He had his finger on the pulse, his own pulse most of the time, especially when the nurse wasn't around. I'll miss that old rocker!

Talking about old rockers, Kit Morgan and Steve Treble were amazing. Steve has so much personality, in fact it's bigger than he is - and that's BIG! He's like a cuddly bear. Stay as you are Steve; keep drinking all that beer.

And what about Kit, with all of that lovely hair surrounding his big, red guitar. At first, the duo was a bit stunned by the silent, attentive audience. They're used to pub gigs were those horrible noisy plebs, lean on a wet bar, drinking cheap beer while scratching their scabby denim-clad crotches. You can't beat good loose-fitting corduroy trousers.

It was wonderful how Steve revved up the audience like he does his Vespa 90. He played solid rhythm with a Country-tinged voice. "Country Boy” was fantastic. Kit gently glided across the Mixolydian Mode like no other man I know. His solo rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody" made me imagine that I was at one of Freddie Mercury's parties with all those gay men and dwarfs. What a wonderful solo arrangement.

This was a very good gig. Everyone enjoyed themselves. Kit does transcriptions for the Total Guitar Magazine. I've written to ask him if he'll do a solo transcription of "Knees Up Mother Brown"! I'm sure he will find that very rewarding! Anyone wanting a good guitar; try Treble Rock. The best Music shop in town. I buried Cedric with a wonderful Eko Ranger Guitar I bought there! See you next time, twangers!

THURSDAY 12th JANUARY 2006 - CHRIS MORETON CONCERT

I had cousin Edith down for the weekend, so I played her lots of Bluegrass. She hated it! "No space!" she said, "just like that horrible Barouque Music. I like space to think between notes." I was trying to persuade her to come and see Chris Moreton. Like me, she loves men that have to bend to get under doorways. I knew she had changed her mind when I heard her whistling "Blackberry Blossom" while making scrambled eggs. Not a bad sound for an 83 year old with no teeth!

Anyway! - to the review!

When Chris arrived, we both almost melted. He looked as honest and crazy as James Stewart in "Harvey"; as honourable and defiant as Gregory Peck in "The Big Country"; and as mythic as John Wayne in "The Searchers".

Chris is a pioneer ploughing and nurturing the field of Bluegrass in that vast, frightening territory of deep, dark, Wales. His nimble spider-like fingers tickled and teased out those amazingly fast trills on "Limerock". Yes, he may be too tall for his hair, but Chris has his feet firmly on the ground, and his rhythm is as solid as an Indian squaw riving around the totem pole.

It's as if he has a metronome tucked away deep in his soul! His rhythm made Edith sweat like a raving sex-starved Indian Banshee! Oh dear! Give me a minute. His composition "Up the Schifthorne" (hope I've spelt that correctly cowpokes) which he played on banjo was terrific. It's a wonderful top-shelf tune.

Cousin Edith and I slipper-danced through the banjo renditions of "Duelling Banjos" and "Grandfather's Clock". I hope Chris wasn't too uncomfortable when we clung to his legs. The minor tonality change in "Grandfather's clock" , gave the tune a Hungarian, Gypsy-fied lilt, and his quick peg-tuning technique was as smooth as Jack Pallance, pulling out his gun and ejecting that bullet into the sad, little settler who was wanting to buy some candy at the store. Talk about Brokeback Mountain, phew!

When Chris whipped out his mandolin, and shot his way through "Fisher's Hornpipe" and "Devils Dream", we were so speechless that we yelled out loud! We both fell asleep in the chorus section of "If You Ain't Got The Doe Rae Me", but the wonderful flatpicking interludes kept just pulling us back. He is a fantastic guitarist.

"Big Rock Candy Mountain" made us cry. Maybe a thesis could be written on it's relationship to Brokeback Mountain. Take note all you nice Open Range University Students. There are gaps and holes to be filled in Cowboy Studies. The term "saddle-sore" could take on a whole new meaning.

It was wonderful to see every guitarist's jaw drop as Chris played a flawless "Arrival of the Queen of Sheba". His intonation and plectrum technique were spot on! Not one mistake! We have the bootleg CD to prove it!

Chris is a wonderful musician and raconteur. You must all buy his CD " Chris Moreton" recorded live at Llanfihangel - Tor-Mynydd Church. It's a great concert! Chris can be contacted on 01291 673849. I wonder if he'd like a couple of Cowgirls dancing on stage? Edith has certainly been a cow in her time, especially during the war, but we don't talk about that!

Yipy-Yi-Yeah! my little gun-slingers!

THURSDAY 18th NOVEMBER 2005 - JIM TIGWELL CONCERT

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

Jim is well known around the Bristol Clubs. He helps organise the Priddy Folk Festival and the Didmarton Bluegrass Players Tent. I hear that he is in with many of the inbred banjo players there.

Jim's Gig (I love using that word - it's so new and hip, though I don't like the word hip; it hurts too much) was very well attended. He must have a lot of relatives. Jim played very well indeed. I could see Blind Blake when I closed my eyes and listened. I could also hear Bert Jansch. I didn't have the heart to tell Jim that Burt wasn't blind.

Jim demonstrated lots of fingerstyle techniques. I'd love him to show me one sometime; it's been so long! He was excellent at the alternating thumb technique. I became moist with excitement, so I took my chewing gum out. And I loved the improvisational variations on his Blues. They had an organic Mahleresque feel.

Jim sang and played from his new CD, "LOST LOVER BLUES". He was joined by our resident Guitarist, Paul Reynolds the Obscure (we have another one by the way; the Guitarist from another Planet, David Brandon - kind of speaks in an intellectual gobbledegook language) who added a jazz dimension to the repertoire.

I'm trying to pluck up the courage to ask Jim out. He's so nice. Has such a lovely smile. He's not like other Blues players I've known. I gave up having sex over dirty pianos a long time ago. I'm sure that's how Scott Joplin caught VD. The Blues players these days are all nice Middle Class Gents who can't wait until the gig ends so they can get home to their slippers - my kind of man. Watch out - there's a new groupie in town, Jim!

THURSDAY 6th OCTOBER 2005 - CLIVE CARROLL

A REVIEW FROM AUNTIE ETHEL'S CHAIR:

What a night! Found the place eventually. Those illuminated Club signs helped (when I remembered to put my glasses on). Oh yes, the opening night! What a performance. There was that nice, handsome young man (Clive Carroll) playing his guitar and banjo with such virtuosity and dexterity, that I had to put my knitting down. When Clive played, "March and the Messenger", I was in raptures. I was told by the guitar Zen person sitting next to me, that Clive performed this live for the first time at our club. Bless!

I had a tear in my ear when Clive played my favs. For Dowland, (that nice Renaissance chap) Clive used lute tuning. He also played a beautiful rendition of Asturias, that Spanish classic! 'One', was a very convoluted piece, with each phrase leading into something new but related to what has gone before (like the human gene pool?)

"Ariel Discoveries" was very ethereal and played with a big Mexican (sorry, Lexicon type sound). His Celtic music made me remember my time at the Convent in Dublin. I just adore the Aeolian Modal feel, and I think Clive's got it!

He played a wonderful virtuosic, eclectic mix of horizontal, vertical and intervalic tunes, before Paul Reynolds, that famously obscure guitarist joined him on stage. Clive and Paul delighted the audience with the tune, Blue Nun (sorry, Monk. and I've known a few Monks who were very Blue!), a Bebop Blues with some wonderful Mixolydian runs, punctuated by passing tones, and surrounding tones, too. WOW!

"Summertime" was a sheer delight. I could hear the bees buzzing and the fish not saying anything. Clive and Paul got a little out of control however, with those blurred runs, so much so, that I felt quite breathless with even more excitement.

Clive's music, together with the atmosphere and friendliness at the Plantation Lakes Acoustic Club was definitely worth missing my Bingo for!